The Big Year - Hold Dear Those You Hold Dear

I've been anticipating this year now for awhile... maybe even 5 years. And by anticipating I don't mean looking forward to, but rather anxiously aware of. Chris and I have now been married the same number of years as my parents were when my mom suddenly died. July brought me to the same age of my mom when she died. Gulp. I can't explain the anxiously aware part other than at first it was a will I live longer than she did and now it's a holy cow she was actually really young and has missed A LOT! 

Suffering from shock, I was 33 years, 5 months and 30 days old when she died of the sudden onset of pulmonary embolism coupled with other underlying health issues. She had bronchitis the week prior and was taking steroids. Just a couple weeks earlier she had complained of a deep pain in her leg, but Dr. Love didn't think to consider a DVT. Now, that's the first thing I think of... 

Rachael was 10 years, 4 months and 15 days old when she lost her loudest and biggest fan, her Nana. Gramps & Nana spoiled Rachael almost rotten and then she had to share them with her brother and sister after they arrived, but those first 18 months she had them wrapped!

We crowned Josiah king for his 8th birthday and then 9 months and 29 days later she disappeared from his kingdom. And ours. When we brought Josiah home from the hospital after birth it was to Gramps' and Nana's home. We were living in their basement. So, he got to be held by her every one of those first few weeks and months and held a special place in her heart. 

Brynna Kate was just 7 years, 3 months and 13 days old when her Nana stopped living on earth. Our oldest granddaughter is already older now! And yet she's so young still and innocent. Brynna used to love to go to Kohls and try on every outfit and Nana would just sit and watch her walk out so proudly with her favorites on and then she would buy them all. She was the apple of her Nana's eye.

All the anxiously aware of waiting has been tough to throw out of my circling mind, but God sure did throw us a curve ball or two or four. I apologize to those who have heard my anxious thoughts as they sometimes would take off and chase a rabbit through a distant field no one wants to go to.

We got a text from Josiah on Tuesday, January 28, 2025 at 8:32 pm asking "Y'all busy" to which I replied we were in a Zoom meeting. "Call me after ya done, no rush." He had a job possibility that he had been pursuing and it was time to let us in on the secret. For the next few days he had his final interview and job offer and before a month was up he and his family had moved to Houston! What!? How did this happen? 

When we first moved to Texas with Brynna, Rachael & Josiah were both married and happy in Louisville. Our Texas pastor and his wife promised to pray our kids here and we laughed it off, but just two years after being here our oldest and her family moved here and we were blown away at the great gift that was to us!! And still is! 

But, we just never felt right praying for Josiah to move here after his wife's dad passed away so young. We couldn't bare the thought of our daughter-in-law leaving her family. And we knew some of what that felt like as our first grandson came into the world in Kentucky and we were torn every time we had to come back home from visiting him.

I don't know if our pastor continued to pray for Josiah & Katie to move here, but maybe those first few years of prayers were all it took. All I do know is God wanted them to be here now. I don't know why, but I'm excited to watch and wonder what He's up to. I'm thankful. I'm beyond blessed and it's definitely helped my mind stop circling about this "big year". Who has time to worry when all seven of our grandkids and all three of our children and their amazing spouses are here, healthy and happy. I can't imagine that life can get any better than it is right now.

Recently I was blessed to spend an entire long weekend with the best friend of my life. We hadn't really been able to "visit" in over a decade. We met just days before our son's 3rd birthday and were fast friends. Then we became deeply rooted friends as our husbands served together on two different church staffs. We've been the best of friends since 1997 and I can't even imagine what my life would be without having had the honor to love, live and lead together. We have shared so much laughter and plenty of tears to last a lifetime. She knew my mom and even wrote me a poem title, "Wishing You Were Here" after her death that I have in a collage behind my bedroom door and see every day as I leave.

In the middle of October I will be the same exact age that my mom was when she became absent from the body and present with Christ. If I were to only have until then - I want to live these next few months enjoying all that God has for us on the earth. And if I get to wake up the next day with breath in my lungs I have full confidence I will say to the Lord, "You give and take away, blessed be Your Name!"

I know she has missed SO much life since January of 2003: ALL her grandkids graduations, all of my kiddos weddings and the births of all her great grandkids! But, also there are many things I've done that I may have never done had she been here. I got two tattoos. We went to Haiti as missionaries. I've gone to therapy three different seasons now. Though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your Name. The hardest part about losing someone is finding ways to remember them, to honor them. It's difficult that my dad has a whole new family, my brother lives on a distant shore and her name is rarely mentioned. I'm so thankful for my husband who tries to help me remember and continue to grieve the loss of her. He also helps me to cherish the moments I have. Every day longer than she lived will be counted as an extra special gift. I know she'd be head over heels about my grands and we'd likely fight over them. I know she'd be beyond proud of who hers have become. And I know she loved us all big and held nothing back. Ever. May we all hold dear those we hold dear.

"Blessed Be Your Name 

In the land that is plentiful 

Where Your streams of abundance flow 

Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name 

When I'm found in the desert place 

Though I walk through the wilderness 

Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out 

I'll turn back to praise 

When the darkness closes in, Lord 

Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord 

Blessed be Your name 

Blessed be the name of the Lord 

Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name 

When the sun's shining down on me 

When the world's 'all as it should be' 

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name 

On the road marked with suffering 

Though there's pain in the offering 

Blessed be Your name"

                                             ~Matt & Beth Redman

If It Is Thus

 “…and Isaac was forty years old when he took Rebekah… to be his wife. And Isaac prayed to the Lord for his wife, because she was barren. And the Lord granted his prayer, and Rebekah his wife conceived. The children struggled together within her, and she said, “If it is thus, why is this happening to me?” So she went to inquire of the Lord. And the Lord said to her,

“Two nations are in your womb, and two peoples from within you shall be divided; the one shall be stronger than the other, the older shall serve the younger.”” Genesis 25:20-23

(Isaac &) Rebekah likely walked through 20 years of barrenness. God answered Isaac’s prayer for his wife with twins when he was 60! I can only imagine the fears she faced as her pregnancy seemed so very different from her peers experiences. She went to the Lord with her questions and fears. And He answered her! He revealed to her what no ultrasound ever could! There are two babies AND He had a purpose & plan for them even as they would go on to struggle & be two peoples divided. The older would serve the younger. 

I love that Rebekah asked, “If it is thus, why is this happening to me?” and His answer was soothing to her fears and enlightening that it wasn’t that it was happening to her. It was happening according to His plan.

I imagine this is a similar question we ask about the mysterious things in our lives: chronic illness, family conflict, addiction, unwanted SSA, loss of a job, trauma, loneliness, friends and/or family leaving the faith, cancer, abuse, gender dysphoria, disappointment and/or __________ (fill in the blank)…

TRY this if you’re asking “if it is thus..” right now in your life: 

Ask the Lord for help. Show Him your hurt.

Be prepared for a possible yes, no or not yet answer.   

Choose to trust Him with the unknown(s). 

Deepen your daily routine of walking with Him. 

Rinse and repeat.

Woe!

 “And he lifted up his eyes on his disciples, and said:

“Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.

“Blessed are you who are hungry now, for you shall be satisfied.

“Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh.

“Blessed are you when people hate you and when they exclude you and revile you and spurn your name as evil, on account of the Son of Man! Rejoice in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven; for so their fathers did to the prophets.

“But woe to you who are rich, for you have received your consolation.

“Woe to you who are full now, for you shall be hungry.

“Woe to you who laugh now, for you shall mourn and weep.

“Woe to you, when all people speak well of you, for so their fathers did to the false prophets.

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

“If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful." Luke 6:20-36

I recall as a middle schooler sitting in the third pew from the front at a Sunday evening service next to my absolutely cute crush (no, it wasn't Chris, we didn't meet till college). I doubt anyone was sitting in the first two rows and my mom made sure I sat up front so I would pay attention. (Important fact in case you've never been to a Sunday evening service - typically the preacher teaches not up on the stage, but on our level... so, it had to be less than 10 feet between us and him.) And I got the giggles. The uncontrollable ones that don't stop. They just grow. You been there? I tried holding it all in only to see it coming out in the form of tears as I covered my mouth. My face was turning red as I tried to stop breathing... eventually bubbling up and then just exploding out my nervous mouth in childish laughter. 

He was reading a long passage with a lot of "woes" in it. I wish I knew what passage he was reading. As an adult I'd like to read it and know the seriousness of what I just laughed at. But, I know it had to be serious for someone to warn with a list of "woes". 

I did get grounded. But, now I think the memory of laughing at the Word of God in the house of God is a greater consequence. What must've people thought about me and/or my family? All I know is I never want to take His Word for granted. And one of the most consistent themes I've been reading lately is to love our enemies. Lord, woe to us who don't. Lord, help us to love like You did.

Three Little Words

Last month my dear friend, Hether gave me one of the highest compliments I’ve ever received. She said I was her Onesiphorus. Now, at first it may not sound like such a great thing to say and even a hard thing to say stumbling over the long name. But in the moment she casually said it - it brought genuine tears to my eyes. We were reading out loud through 2 Timothy and as I read these words,”…may the Lord grant mercy to the household of Onesiphorus, for he often refreshed me and was not ashamed of my chains,” and she quietly said, “you’re my Onesiphorus.” Wow. In that unplanned holy moment I felt so loved. Loved by my friend and loved by God.  

I pray that you find a holy moment to give and/or receive the same kind of love. I encourage you to tell your family and friends how deeply you care for them. Maybe you or they wouldn’t want to be called someone’s Onesiphorus, but I pray just the right three words are found and given and received.

 

“…May the Lord grant mercy to the household of Onesiphorus, 

for he often refreshed me and was not ashamed of my chains, 

but when he arrived in Rome 

he searched for me earnestly and found me— 

may the Lord grant him to find mercy from the Lord on that day!

—and you well know all the service he rendered at Ephesus.” 

2 Timothy 1:16-18

P.S. I haven't been able to return the compliment, but I will. I want to find the perfect three little words that may make her feel loved. It'd be kinda creepy to tell her she's MY Onesiphorus, right?

Sincerity = no name in vain

Confession: I'm still running a day behind in my Bible Recap this year. I'm giving myself grace. I've heard from several of you that you've committed to a more intentional study of His Word this year. Bravo! I can only imagine what great grace you will encounter as you dive in to see more of Him and His character. He has a plan, He's in control. 

Many times we find ourselves shrugging our shoulders especially when hearing the latest headlines that confirm this world has lost it's mind. Maybe even our family has. But, when we are walking with Him daily it's beneficial to remember the evidences of His goodness regularly. It's helpful instead of shrugging our shoulders to simply hold out our hands... to surrender and pray for those around us who are in chaos. Stand firm yet surrendered. 

Today's reading was Exodus 19-21 in which you will find the "Ten Commandments." Several years ago Chris and I went on a spiritual renewal week in Louisiana to Abbie Lane Retreat Center (highly recommend to all our pastor/ministry friends). They offered many prayer gardens. One of them really caught my eye as it's theme is the ten commandments... but, with a spin:
Priority - no gods
Sovereignty - no idols
Sincerity - no name in vain
Sanctity - remember sabbath
Unity - honor parents
Responsibility - no murder
Fidelity - no adultery
Honesty - no stealing
Integrity - no lies
Security - no coveting

Exodus 19:5, "Now therefore, if you will indeed obey my voice and keep my covenant, you shall be my treasured possession among all peoples, for all the earth is mine, and you shall be to me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation." He gave His people the 10 commandments out of such a deep love. The deepest ever. He had a purpose and a plan and executed it perfectly...and He still does. Look for where He is at work and join Him. 

Hey hay 2024! Whiplash!

Hey! Hello 2024. How are you? I’m excited to see how God works in and through you… and me… as we partner together. Y’ALL!! By the grace of God, I finished the Bible Recap in 2023!! WHOHOO!! Quite an accomplishment! It’s kinda ridiculous that it took me this long to read through the entire Bible. I was a little embarrassed at first… afterall I’m “married to a pastor”. It overwhelmed me to even think about diving in. But, the longer I lived on this earth, the longer I knew I was just taking other people’s word for the Word. I wanted to figure some things out on my own. I wanted to know first hand about God’s character and why He would love a nincompoop like me, let alone create me!

I loved it so much I’m doing it again! Today is Day 2 and it genuinely felt like whiplash. Yesterday - Genesis 1-3: “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth... And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.” 

“…the first day, …second day… third day… fourth day… fifth day… and God saw that it was good… “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness… be fruitful & multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens an dover every living thing that moves on the earth… tt was VERY good… the sixth day… thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. And on the seventh day, God finished his work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day…”

Today Genesis 4-7. The plot thickens. Adam knew Eve, had Cain and Abel and they grew up in just two verses! One murdered the other and yet “…at that time people began to call upon the name of the Lord.” Adam, Seth, Enosh, Kenan, Mahalel, and Jared lived and died. Enoch walked with God and was taken. Methuselah, Lamech, and Noah lived (& died), but Noah was the one that would “bring us relief”.  

Chapter 6: “The Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. 6 And the Lord regretted that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him to his heart. 7 So the Lord said, “I will blot out man whom I have created from the face of the land, man and animals and creeping things and birds of the heavens, for I am sorry that I have made them.” 8 But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord.

These are the generations of Noah. Noah was a righteous man, blameless in his generation. Noah walked with God. 10 And Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth. 11 Now the earth was corrupt in God's sight, and the earth was filled with violence. 12 And God saw the earth, and behold, it was corrupt, for all flesh had corrupted their way on the earth…” 

But, He already knew. Back in Genesis 2: 17 to Adam “…for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.” 6:18 “I will establish my covenant with you (Noah)…” He knew. He knows and He had a plan. Just like every other thing in life. His plan is to bring redemption. 

I have a deep desire to figure it all out. I wanna know exactly how Noah became righteous and blameless in his generation. How did he find favor in the eyes of the Lord?! Can you imagine!? If we just had a list of how he achieved these descriptions… we may have had to make “WWND?” bracelets to sell in the early 2010s… but, I know it’s that next four word sentence that’s the most important: “Noah walked with God.” So, what can I do to continue to learn to walk with the Lord?

This morning my heart slowed with one great reminder: Tara Leigh-Cobble said, “Our aim isn’t to know everything - it’s to know God!” So, as I venture into 2024 I’m trying to pace my space with not collecting clues, but collecting sweet communion with Him. Will you join me? 

Aye, B.C.!!

Aye, Canada!! I see what you've done! You lent us your beauty, simplicity and gave us complete safety. Our hearts began to heal in your gorgeous land where the mountains and ocean meet. When we arrived early September we barely functioned. In fact on day three I took a 3.5 hour nap. I don’t do naps. We unpacked all of our deep disappointment, great grief and frozen frustration. You were so incredibly patient with us. You showed us how to relax our bodies, minds and souls again. You whispered reminders to us of things we once knew, but could not recall. We went old school - put the pen to the page, the ax to the wood and even clippers to the garden (that was healing AND fun!). God used you in our lives.

We studied, worked, discussed big questions, listened to lectures, enjoyed piano, harp & cello concerts, even a jam session, toured Victoria and Sydney, heard music that others love, studied movies that mean something (and one that didn’t seem to), asked questions, were asked questions, searched the sky and trees for reminders that this world You gave us is beautiful and You want good for us.

We were richly blessed with 40 days of shelter. Forty days of safety. Forty days of asking God to __________ our minds, hearts and bodies: recalibrate, recenter, regulate, revise, reshape, revamp… and best of all - redeem. 

Day One - Friday, September, 8, 2023

We woke before the sun even thought about waking up… and headed to IAH as the epitomes of depletion… we landed in Calgary and recalled the scene from Cool Runnings with a chuckle. Then we boarded for Victoria and had no idea what to really expect. We’d been running so hard and fast with little time to really check out what we’d gotten ourselves into… It was Chris’ therapist, Kelsey Seifert that prescribed “L’Abri” as a place for healing. We imagined it was a nice quiet retreat where we could hibernate and heal. But, it didn’t take us long to learn that was not at all what we’d gotten ourselves into… and that God had way more for us than hibernating!

As the little yellow cab drove us up to the L’Abri property our hearts were open, our grips loose and we were ready to surrender everything for 40 days. As we entered the front door of the big house we called out, “hello!” Followed by, “hello?” Our eyes longingly examined every wall within sight - full of bookcases that were full of books… from ceiling to floor, left to right and what seemed like infinity! Many books were very familiar and that was reassuring. As we wandered into the “library” we were greeted with such quiet and stillness. Finally as we made our way into a little hallway with a burgandy cement floor we encountered a human being. She had rubber gloves on with a bucket of cleaning supplies and had been on her knees in the bathroom. She was happy to see us and introduced herself to us as a “L’Abri student”. 

I exclaimed confidently, “How nice! We are L’Abri visitors or participants or something like that...! We’re Chris and Jen. Where’s Liz or Clarke & Julia?” (I’d heard of Liz in an email Julia had sent me when we made reservations to stay. She seemed like the one who we would need to connect with. She would be “doing our laundry”.) Before the gloved girl could answer... down from the kitchen called our next new friend who was from Australia. There was no doubt about it - listening to her incredible voice and Aussie accent. Every word that fell from her mouth was drenched in beauty. 

Enter "Pickle" (tough, yet oh, so tender) who showed us the schedule and calendar about basic things about the house. We were highly encouraged to settle in, rest, join them for tea time at 4:00 if we’d like and then not show up again until 6:00 for community dinner. A lecture would follow at 7:00 pm. We unpacked and started to settle in. There were bookcases lining most walls including the hall we were staying in just down a few burgundy cement stairs where we’d first met our “Cinderella” cleaning the bathroom. It contained two comfy chairs to enjoy time tucked away reading.

At dinner we met a whole host of people from the L’Abri community including Liz! Yeah, finally! She laughed when I told her how anxious I was to meet her since she was to do our laundry. But, she had actually left staff awhile ago to continue in her education. As the days unfolded we began to see evidence of Liz showered all over the property. It was so fun to sit with her and talk as we ate from-scratch soup and bread (by Hannah, you'll meet her later - it's her off day). Yum! Liz introduced us to another fellow student, Mak who over the 40 days would come to be one of the dearest treasures we’d found in the journey. Mak was asking deep questions to us during dinner and my mind was complete mush with all the things we’d experienced through the day I could barely contribute answers. 

Our first Friday night lecture was given by Clarke Scheibe (Canada L’Abri Director), “Religious but not Spiritual: The Perplexing and Tragic Story of King Saul”. He challenged us from 1 Samuel 15:12-31 on these four points: distrust God’s leading, principle of sacrifice over obedience, fear of people over fear of God, conflict in a divided heart. After looking at a snapshot of Saul’s life we determined the answer to the question was to be religious AND spiritual. Finding that balance is maybe the question of the century… I noted in my journal that night, "how very fitting to hear this teaching and challenge!"

When the full day came to an end we snuggled up the best we could in our queen size bed in the corner and realized we, too, were students at L’Abri… and I wondered how long I would last being so far from family and familiarity… sometimes when you’re so frozen in frustration you just can’t think clearly… and you’d rather just stay there… in the familiar. But, I knew God wanted more for us than to just survive. He wanted us to thrive. We were breathing, but barely alive. What will tomorrow hold?

So to recap, we met three of our fellow L’Abri students in the first 8 hours. By the end of term there were 15 of us students that came and went, but the five of us were there all 40 days. There were also four full-time staff who lived on the property who were like shepherds, missionaries or ministers to us… and many, many friends of L’Abri who walked with us week in and out (Rev. Brett, Helen, Liz, Michelle, Abigail, Martin & Linda, Gayoung & Minsoo, Naomi, Liz & Devin, Jenaleigh). 

It was quite clear that there was a rhythm and routine and we were NOT about to isolate and hibernate for the next 39 days! The rhythm turned into a beautiful song and dance somewhere along the way. If only we’d read the About page on the website we’d have known more of what to expect, but maybe I wasn’t quite ready to face the truth. The Lord knew just what we needed and did He ever surprise us... in fact, He knocked our bloody socks off (more new vocabulary we learned from our Aussie friend to come in future posts!) :D