Picture this with me. It’s midnight thirty and we hadn’t caught more than 3 hours sleep in-a-row in 5 days. Can you feel it? I, the Nana, had just finished up washing - in a kitchen I was unfamiliar with - supplies needed for the night of scheduled pumping - 9 pm, midnight, 3 am, 6 am, 9 am. As I tried returning to bed, I flipped the light switch off and I was immediately lost... in a void of darkness... I waited a few seconds and still could catch no hints of light. Pitch black. I took one step to the left, waited, took a step to the right. Nothing. Then to the left very carefully and as slow as molasses a very faint blur of some distant street light peaked down the long hallway to the back of the house where I was... I assumed, “I must be moving in the right direction?” I waited and my eyes were able to catch a little more light and I knew I could take another step to find my way back to the guest bedroom just past the nursery void of a baby.
That’s how we found ourselves navigating this past week (early September 2022) – trusting the Lord in the unknown, bitter dark. The bitterest nights we'd ever faced in all our years. Taking one small step, waiting, watching and finally grasping that very faint blur of light... and moving towards it remembering He’s already moving, He’s already there...
it's FRIDAY, but SUNDAY'S COMING!
Our sweet 5th grandbaby, Judah Robert, made his eerily quiet debut and was rushed to the ICU. At the moment of his birth his daddy and I were on his momma's left side cheering her on as she pushed so courageously. It was the climax of all the emotions of getting to this very place, or so we expected... When his lifeless body came into our vision, I felt and saw his daddy drop to his elbows on the bed in disbelief. I know my body felt like passing out... I don't know what held me up - probably the curiosity to keep my eyes on his little body. We were both holding our breath and could not hide from my youngest that there seemed to be something wrong. Unmistakably wrong. This was the very moment everyone holds their breath for - the baby's first cry. But, it was not heard. Something very sweet and innocent was missing from that moment and the next and the next... a baby's first cry... our baby's cry... what I would at that very moment begin to refer to as... a roar.
"Lord, let him roar! Lord, please let our little lion roar!" I screamed on the inside and pushed tears down, but some shot straight out of the side of my eyes. I'm sure the Lord heard the desperately desperate pleas from my Nana heart that was shattering. I know He did. But, He didn't give our little lion a roar that day... or the next.
At his birth, our world just stopped. We were holding our breath. Our ears were fully attentive to the silence we heard. The sun wasn't shining. The clock didn't tick. We just kept our eyes glued to our little lion who lay lifelessly in his warming crib with the NICU team of nurses working with him. They had a little blue oxygen thing on his nose & mouth. His arms were laying straight down to his side. I begged for signs of life, signs of hope from the nurses. The color of his skin was alarming and I'm no expert. The room began spinning. And I had to finally take in a very deep breath.
At the very same moment that our world stopped... like a movie - picture-perfectly-planned scene - Dr. Rachel Fabacher looked at the brand new mom & dad and explained so peacefully and somewhat poetically what was going on with the baby. It truly was like a scene out of a movie. NICU nurses were rushing around "waking him up," calling to him, "come on baby" in the background. She went far beyond her call of duty. She was there to help Brynna birth the baby. Yet, she paused to quietly address this enormous elephant in the room. In her voice we heard such deep compassion and encouragement maybe even pure empathy. Inside at least, I was feeling full on hysterical. Yet, she helped to somehow soothe something inside us by calling out into the light the deep darkness we were feeling inside. I honor this moment, the memory and Dr. Fabacher with 20 seconds of "get-it-together-Jen" talk in my head when I recall this part of the story. What a difference she made. She invested maybe two minutes of her undivided attention yet was perfectly attuned to our reeling hearts.
I can't even begin to describe the next couple hours as it is too intimate to share. Expectations were off the table. Mommy & daddy got to hold baby for just a few minutes as we waited for his "NICU Chariot to arrive". NICU Nurse Barbara is another superstar in our story. She held baby Judah up to Brynna and Garrett just as she was about to take him away and said, (something like), "This is not what you expected the hour after birth to be like, this is not what you imagined the first feeding would be, but this is your story. This is not the end. This (NICU) is temporary. He is in the best hands. You will see." Just twelve hours later Garrett would have an intimate moment with the Savior and agree that Judah was in the best hands - His. And that's Garrett's sacred story to share.
Over the next few days Garrett rose to the calling of fatherhood like none other I've ever known. He lead his family (and extended family) well in believing the best for Judah and reminding us that baby Judah was God's precious gift to do with what He pleased. And we were to look to Him for comfort and how the rest of the story was going to play out. I can tell you even now (six weeks later) knowing how this baby's story goes I could not have been even half the man, father, leader that Garrett was for us. He blazed the way to faithfully trusting His plan. Whether we had the privilege of knowing Judah for twelve hours or twelve days on this earth we were going to praise God... even in the not knowing and the pain.
All during labor, the computer monitor that waited for baby over his warming crib flashed a screensaver that reminded us every 5 minutes that Texas Children's Hospital was ranked #2 in the Nation! We noted it more than once through the long nights of labor yet when the time came - we celebrated that the Lord had us in the very place we needed to be: The #2 Children's Hospital in the NATION! Thank you for Your Sovereignty!
As Daddy went with the Chariot to NICU to see where baby would be, Nana and momma had another 30 minutes of undivided attention from labor nurse Liz. During the labor process we were immensely blessed with two 12 hour shifts of being assigned to Liz. Or Liz being assigned to us... and she was there on Brynna's right side during birth. I trusted her with my baby. And my baby's baby. She is what real nurses are made of. True grit. True decades of experience. I wrote in the "iPhone Note" that she had a bag of tricks and was constantly pulling them out. She's not the "take this pill" and wait 2 hours to see kind of medical professional. She's a - let's try these old tried and true ways, too. The ways that worked for great grandma... Those last 12 hours she kept saying she felt like Brynna had a fever, yet the thermometer would never confirm it. I can remember her taking her temp at least half a dozen times. But Liz knew. She is gold. A real trooper to put up with my 19,000 questions.
Liz was so right. Brynna had a fever of 102 that evening and was unable to go to the NICU to see her son. They gave her antibiotics and told her she couldn't see him at least for 24 hours. I journeyed with her from labor room to her postpartum room and as we rounded the final corner we were encountered with this poster that had to be 5 feet by 7 feet! It had won a contest and was on display for all to enjoy. I wish I could tell the people that colored that poster it was actually for us. It was 100% hung five feet outside of her postpartum door for a reminder to us that God is the Giver of all good things and He would be with us at every turn providing and protecting. It was a poster of a giant lion's head. I wish we had gotten a picture of it with a person so you could understand how giant it was. There was no coming into or out of her room without that giant roar greeting you.
It was so excruciatingly difficult to go home that night, but in my heart I knew the new momma and daddy needed to just be with each other and the Lord. And I needed time to talk with the Lord and feel all my feelings. Hiding the tears and fears was not easy. I went to their empty house actually. It was at least 25 minutes closer to the hospital and that was 50 in driving to and fro... so, it made sense. My body was exhausted from the labor process. I know, I know... I'm only the Nana, but there's physical exhaustion that comes from being at the bedside of one in labor.
When I left to go to the hospital 48 hours prior I assumed I'd come home after the beautiful birth and rest so peacefully because he was here and all was well. It hadn't even crossed my mind that something could "go wrong." I have 4 other grandkids born in the last 6 years. Everything went "fairly smoothly" with their births. But, when I actually crawled into bed that night I couldn't rest at all. Truthfully, I cried all the way home in silence and working my way through disbelief. My mind and heart were warring. I couldn't hold in my own roar any longer. It was a long night full of questions. That night we didn't really know what was going on with Judah other than he was very, very sick. I could barely breathe let alone sleep.
As I lay there caught in a tornado of my body at war, I felt my heart racing faster and faster. My mind was racing with the "what ifs" and "what if nots". I had to do something to get ahold of myself. I was alone, yet Jesus was with me. So, I closed my eyes from wailing and asked Him out loud to be with me. To work a miracle. To give our kids strength and comfort to face this dark night. To let our little lion roar. Please! I pushed my eyes closed tighter and tried to picture Jesus right there with me and finally I was able to. He was comforting me. He was holding my head and gently running his hands through my hair. I know this may sound odd to you, but it was something I had practiced in therapy just the month prior. And it was possibly the only way to get control of my body once again. I cried out loud and begged Him to hold me and tell me Judah was going to be okay. He held me, but would never say that he was going to be okay. He just kept saying, "I won't leave you. I will be with you." And I had to figure out how to live with Him being with me being enough. He'd never let us down before. He'd always been with us in the hard things. But, this was a delicate hard thing. A fragile life was at stake here.
SATURDAY
The next afternoon I remembered a text that came through when I was driving from our Pastor Rick Baldwin who had just recently retired, pulled out my Bible to read the Psalm he had shared. His Bible reading had him in Psalm 76 that morning and he wanted to encourage us that he and his wife, Marie were praying for Judah and for the family in these dark days. "God is honored in Judah. His name is great in Israel." And I just couldn't stop with chapter 76. I kept reading out loud into Psalm 77 and knew that that chapter was for me on this very day:
"I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. When I remember God, I moan; when I meditate, my spirit faints. You hold my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak. I consider the days of old, the years long ago. I said, "Let me remember my song in the night; let me meditate in my heart...Your way, O God, is holy."
He was very sick. They were able to confirm his Group B Strep culture had come back positive and he was on intravenous antibiotics that would help him fight any and all of the battle(s) they laid out as probable, not just possible before us: GBS, pneumonia, sepsis and meningitis. They said it was likely he'd fight all four. We could barely breathe at those thoughts. His little body would wage war against these four giants! It was a good thing that there were so many people praying for him. I believe in those prayers God moved.
First family photo was taken just barely 26 hours into his fragile life...when they could not even hold him yet. The pure joy and pure faith that jumps out from behind these masks blow me away. These two people made this little precious baby and they trusted the Lord every very difficult step of the way.
SUNDAY
In one of the most bitter mornings, our daughter Brynna shared this song with us and it really captured the cries of our hearts: “Sitting in silence with every doubt creeping in.
Wondering where You are and how am I supposed
to begin...
to feel...
to think...
to know...
It’ll all be ok...?
Try to remind my soul.
Not to fall into the void. I wanna remind my soul:
Trust and believe You are good. And You’re already moving.
You’re already here.
But Jesus I’m slipping. I keep sinking... Right back into fear. EVEN SO I still know.
You’re not gonna leave us. It might not be easy,
but You won’t let go!” Even So by Fellowship Creative
Brynna sharing this song with us reminded me of her deep faith and fierce strength she lived in AND out. In life as I'm faced with things that are hard, I can only hope that I will face things with the boldness Brynna showed. He will never leave us alone in despair or confusion. This song confirmed in my heart what Jesus had shared with me Friday night. Even so, no matter what, He would be with us. There's pain. There's questions. Listening to this song takes me right back to all the feelings from my drive home Friday evening and the long hours that took me to the morning light where we searched for His mercies anew.
We think his daddy said it best making Judah "Facebook official":
"Our Judah was born on Friday afternoon. We had a brief moment of joy as they handed him to us but he was quickly rushed to the NICU. Over the last couple days, we've seen him in a state that has been really scary. But, he's stabilized and doing better. The nurses say he's a fighter. We could use some prayer for tomorrow as we get more results back and his recovery continues. Brynna is doing great and did such an amazing job.
"And she conceived again and bore a son, and said, "This time I will praise the Lord." Therefore she called his name Judah." Genesis 29:35
We named our son Judah because the story of Judah in the Bible is a powerful one of a mother who dedicated her son to the Lord; naming him the Hebrew word for "praise".
God has brought us to our knees and shown us what it means to dedicate our son to the Lord. We now understand the significance of the name we chose. Praise the Lord for our Judah."
I'm no medical professional, but Judah got a blood transfusion early this morning and his coloring improved greatly (it was like a jump start or a reset). I wonder if it's safe to say it was life saving? Let's go with that! The change in his progress truly seemed to take a small yet significant leap forward. I'll never tell the Red Cross no or I'm too busy again.
Are you ready for this? This is the evening, I believe that me and Dawn, Garrett's mom, were visiting with him and he began to cry. It was the first time I'd ever heard him cry. He cried! I cried. We all cried. It was a holy moment for me. At first, I just looked at him in disbelief. It was out of no where. He had to be hungry. He was fighting. It was this very moment that I began to entertain the idea he was gonna be okay. He cried and the NICU nurse came rushing in to help quiet him and Dawn and I were like, "no, please let him cry just another few seconds!" Our little lion roared! God had given him a roar and he used it! It was a glimmer of hope we needed so desperately. Thank you Lord for that precious moment and that Dawn and I were there together for it.
Judah still has not been allowed to eat any of his mommy's milk because his body isn't able to find or maintain a steady sugar level. He has a line going into his belly button that gives him sugar and meds. Brynna has been faithfully pumping and storing her milk for the day he is able to consume it. Brynna & Garrett were discharged from the hospital and came home to sleep in their own home. It was another milestone without Judah that we didn't like, but we praised God he seemed a little better today because that's all that really matters. As we all rested our bodies tonight in sleep we are awaiting a test result to prove if the infection has moved into the cerebral fluid which would indicate meningitis. God, have mercy? This was yet another night of fighting to find rest and ultimately finding it only in Him.
MONDAY
Judah is getting a tan today because of his bilirubin. Jaundice, that's common. So common, yet it still scared me... but, he was in the best place - His hands... and Texas Children's Hospital. See the cross in the lights above him? Just another reminder that no matter what he was going through - even Judah was not alone. Jesus was right there in that little crib with him. Sweet reminders all along the way!
Surprise! Brynna was able to feed him her milk in a bottle for the first time today at noon! What a great milestone! What an answer to prayer! What a sweet mercy. A specialist was called in to look at Judah's case and help determine a course forward. We really wanted AND needed some answers. The specialist initially gave 10-21 day stay in NICU as the possibility, but needed to get another test or two back (secondary infections and such) before they could say for sure. So, we held on to the hope that at the earliest he could come home on September 12th. My mom's heavenly birthday.
But, it was not the "earliest" that got me as it slowly sunk in. It was actually that there was talk that he would come home. Gut punched me. Our little lion will probably come home! I was so exhausted from driving back and forth and trying to be in so many places at once. And I was exhausted from trusting God and then the next breath not trusting Him truly. Trying to take things into my own hands. Trying to figure out how to fix things. I just kept giving Judah to Jesus and then taking him back trying to "figure it all out" on my own. It's beyond exhausting not knowing how... had to try to remember Who was ultimately working.
Judah's white blood cell count was elevated and they were concerned at the end of the day, but they were encouraged and encouraged us that he had no adverse reaction to the antibiotics he was on. So, we held on to every little glimmer or hint of hope we could find in these our most bitter nights.
I ran across this Paul Tripp quote today on social media, "Because you're not God you will face mystery and confusion in your life. Remember God deals with neither. He just carefully works His plan."
TUESDAY
Doctor called as we were leaving the house that morning. Cultures are still being watched and could still turn positive up to seven days. Good news is nothing new has shown up, but it's just a game of wait and see. They took a few new tests in the night and planned to place a NEW central line in his belly button. At 2:30 we headed home from the hospital because they had to place a new central line and that meant no visitors for three hours.
Only two of us could be at Judah's bedside. And only four of us were allowed to be on "the list" to visit with him. So, we had to learn how to dance around all of that. I could ride with Garrett & Brynna to the hospital, but we couldn't all three go to his bedside. So, I would take my computer and work the first shift and then when they wanted to eat I would take a turn. I don't know how Dawn did it, but she put in many late nights with him. It was frustrating to some degree, but also it was a great protection from introducing more germs to his little body.
WEDNESDAY & THURSDAY
At 4 pm we had exciting news! The all clear of ONLY momma's milk to be fed from here on out (no dextrose in the iv) AND to breastfeed at 6 pm! He was five days old before he really got to have momma's milk exclusively. That blows my mind. That's how sick he was... he couldn't even take breastmilk! At 6:00 Brynna and Judah were able to begin their dancing lessons... breastfeeding is like dancing... just takes some practice to get in rhythm with each other and the lactation specialist that helped said that Brynna was made perfectly for this dance and they danced so beautifully!! It was a great honor for me to be there with them for that time. I remember crying tears of joy. How good the Lord had been to us!
The days between here and there were exhausting as we all juggled all the different hats we wear. The Lord gave us grace and strength to walk through them. Garrett went back to work a week in between so he could be home with Judah when he came home. People brought meals. People sent encouraging texts. People prayed for our sweet boy. People who knew NICU life personally reached out and gifted us with precious advice and even a gift card to help pay the substantial parking fees. Dawn was able to spend a night or two at the Ronald McDonald house within the hospital and with her good friend, Dawn. The Lord provided just what we needed when we needed it at every turn. And we deserve none of it. His mercy never fails us. We were always held in His hands.
Thursday we received a photo from Garrett in our FamBam text thread and I almost passed out. It was 6 days after his birth that he wore a shirt! He was six days old before he wore clothing! He was wearing a shirt and I was rejoicing! Another milestone... another reason to praise Him.
AND THEN...FAST FORWARD (10 days) TO: TIME TO COME HOME!
Judah was able to come home from the NICU 16 days after he was born and swept away from us so quickly. Those 16 days really were like riding an emotional roller coaster, and we never want to forget how God met us in our bitter darkness and was with us at every turn. Judah is healthy and perfect. He's almost 2 months old at this writing. He's growing and thriving. To know that he was spared the many complications that he "should have or could have" experienced... we are deeply grateful to the Lord for gushing on us mercies. His tender mercies. So undeserved yet so incredibly felt. We gush with tears every time we recall these days and I hope we never, ever forget what Judah taught us... that He is worthy of our trust. He is worthy of our praise. He is holy. His ways are holy even though we may not understand them. We can trust Him with our hearts and our very days.
So, would you just take a moment and Praise God with us for the lessons learned in just the first 16 days of Judah's life? If you'd like to roar in honor of all that the actual Lion of Judah did for our little lion... Judah... we'd LOVE IT!
Shoutout to SO many amazing NICU nurses! We also want to remember these two we didn't mention above: Sarah and Preeti. They gave such great care! It wasn't until Judah reached his third spot that we learned from Sarah that we could put him in clothes from home. His clothes. Which turned out to be a great thing because he was growing so quickly that he was growing out of Newborn size in the first week! It was Sarah who also was there the very night he was born and was his first nurse in the NICU. She didn't work again for a solid week and was genuinely surprised and thrilled that we were there. She told us that when she went home from work that night of his birth - she wasn't sure that he was going to make it. Later the chaplain we ran into told the same sort of story - they were there when he arrived at the NICU and knew that he was in very poor condition. Praise God! Both Sarah and the chaplain were able to see that God worked a miracle (or two or three) in his little life!
P.S. Yes, Brynna received a negative GroupBStrep test in her routine prenatal screening.
Songs of Encouragement in this Time:
Even So by Fellowship Creative
I'll Give Thanks feat. Kirby Kaple and Housefires
“Do you know that all the dark won’t stop the light from getting through?” Is He Worthy by Andrew Peterson
Goodness of God
