"Take a Picture"!

It’s day 24 of the Bible Recap. I’m still on track to read thru the Bible in 2023! We have been reading about Abraham who is one of my very favorite men. He had so much faith. He trusted the Lord like no other. I want to be more like him. I noticed several times in this last week’s readings that the Lord told him vaguely to keep going… as he did in Genesis 12 and 22 “Go from your country… to the land that I will show you…” and “on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you…”

This evening we were blessed to spend some time with our five year old granddaughter who consistently lightens the load, brightens the room and literally loves us no matter what we look, smell, or act like. She recently got her ears pierced and she got new earrings she wanted us to put in her ears tonight. The first ear hurt when we took it out and put a new one in, so the second ear took awhile to convince her that it would be okay to change out the earring…

After we removed the second earring she didn’t believe it was already out. She hadn’t feel any pain like the first ear. We showed her in the palm of our hand. We put it with the other one in a small ziplock bag to take back home. She insisted we take a picture on our phone of her vacant ear to prove to her that it wasn’t there. EVEN THOUGH we showed her the earring was clearly in the ziplock bag she simply couldn’t believe us! Not even in feeling her earlobe with her own fingers would she believe it was gone.

I chuckled and cried inside a little. Yep, I was completely caught - that’s exactly where I have been stuck in 2022… not trusting EVEN THOUGH the Lord continues to show me evidence of His goodness. Over and over and over again. He is so patient and kind. I am so much like a five year old... a preschooler. Lord, “give me faith to trust what you say… that You’re good and Your love is great! I’m broken inside, I give You my life. I need you to soften my heart and break me apart, I need You to pierce through the dark and cleanse every part of me. And all I am - I surrender” SONG

Thank you Lord for the gentle illustration you gave me this evening that I may never stop growing in the trust and faith departments. And that's okay. May I continue to learn, even if only slowly... from Abraham, the Bible and our grandkids just how amazing You are.

-Taken from LIFT Weekly E-mail.

Wishing You Were Here...

How as it been twenty years officially without you on this earth. In 2003 you spent most of your time bragging about your grandkids, mentoring women, cheering on UK sports and eating pinwheels. One of your grands you never got to meet - Jack! You knew he was coming in June. You said he was a boy and you were right! You should see him now - Brian's little mini-me! He and Emily are spreading their wings and taking off. They are both still in Delaware.

Rachael, Josiah, & Brynna have grown into the most amazing adults and have gorgeous families of their own now. Their spouses all love and adore them (as much, if not more as you did) and more importantly follow Jesus with abandon. They have given us 5 grand babies and I'm certain that number is going to increase in the next 6-18 months. We have one grand baby in heaven. 

There are two difficulties I face as you are gone from my our lives. First, it's so incredibly infuriating that I'm not around anyone who talks about you. Chris does at times, but there's no community of people or even family who I am in frequent contact with who remind me that you existed. It's almost like you didn't. But, I know you did! I have pictures and I have memories. And I have your date of birth and death that we try to honor you each year. This morning Brynna brought over every flavor of Captain Crunch for breakfast. 

And to be honest - it hits me that some day it could be me who has "disappeared" from the earth to never be spoken of again. Am I okay with that? Sometimes. But, sometimes it's just plain sad. Life is such a vapor... Indeed, times have changed. There's social media now that holds lots of space for memories and conversations. 

Second, being a motherless mother is plumb disorienting. Facing life's challenges without practical advice and unconditional love is a real thing. There's no one like a mother. There's rarely no one on the earth who you want to please more than your parent(s). And with that void I'm left stuck sometimes...     

I wish you were here to see all that's happened in the last 20 years. I know you wouldn't even believe the losses and blessings we've experienced, but I know you'd have been right there with us at every turn - either crying tears of joy or sadness with us. And that's what's so hard - all the changes that we faced without you. I remember the first time we bought a different couch without you being there to give your opinion. It felt like we were betraying you by changing our world. I wanted to keep it the same, but something clicked and everything is different now. The Lord called us to Haiti and we went. You would have cried all the tears over that one. 

I'm glad you're not here just as much as I wish you were here. When you left you were so intensely angry about OsamaBL and intensely proud of Brian being deployed... and if you could see what this world has become now - you'd probably have died of a broken heart.

Our grands call me Nana. You set the bar high. It is one of my highest honors in life - to be theirs. Thank you for how you taught us to hold nothing back - the good, the bad and the ugly. Why lie? Why waste time? Thank you for how you and dad prayed every night for us and our kiddos and their kiddos and theirs... I often attribute our kids "turning out so good" to your prayers and God's grace. 

One day we will see you again. That will be a happy day.

P.S. Sorry there's so much tension, but that's real life. Grief is messy and yucky and full of tension. There's really no way to wrap this up in a pretty yellow bow.

Wishing You Were Here 

by Linda Bowden, January 2003

Unexpected.

A nightmare during the day.
The news came so suddenly

As an avalanche of pain.

Every moment an eternity

Each day spent wondering why

And wishing you were here…

wishing you were here…

Silence so loud

Making memories flood our minds

Tears pour over our hearts

Thinking of the love you left behind.

So much empty space

Not being filled by you

We are wishing you were here,

Wishing you were here.

The darkness seems darker

The night so much longer

While wishing you were here,

Wishing you were here…

But there’s a place of hope

And we know when we meet again,

We won’t have to be

Wishing you were here…

Wishing you were here.