"God spoke: “Swarm, Ocean, with fish and all sea life! Birds, fly through the sky over Earth!” God created the huge whales, all the swarm of life in the waters, And every kind and species of flying birds. God saw that it was good. God blessed them: “Prosper! Reproduce! Fill Ocean! Birds, reproduce on Earth!” It was evening, it was morning— Day Five." Genesis 1:20-23 The Message
As I read these verses my nose works overtime. I can smell fish and birds and all kinds of smells… Can you? For over 16 years I lived in a fish bowl. (Married to an Associate/Students pastor.) And for those of you who knew me well, you knew it was okay except when the yuck came out of me. Gazing through this fish bowl you could see everything that I felt (if you even looked) because I usually just feel it all. Out loud. Big. Since a fish bowl (well, the one I lived in) is round and it tends to distort reality or at least make it bigger or smaller or rounder or weirder than it actually is.
I can be vulnerable. Even vulnerable to a fault. And most of the time vulnerable can be good, but some times it can be really ugly and stinky. The very hardest part of living in a fish bowl actually was when it came time to grieve the loss of my mother’s sudden death. I wanted to be a fish that could hide in a cave and not let just let anyone see me wrestle with the Sovereignty of our King. It was during those years that I literally had to sort through all the lies that were grown into my thinking, my living, my understanding of Who God was. What do you call those things? Algae eaters? Yeah, I had to do that… ugh! Can’t you see it, smell it? The lies that were ever-so-innocently sprinkled into my brain my whole life by well-meaning, church-going people. The lie that if one went to church and served Him faithfully, He’d make their life easier. Maybe even allow my parents to live long and prosperous lives. They wanted to retire and to fly supplies overseas for missionaries. Why wouldn't He like that plan? He had a different plan that didn't include my mom on earth any longer and He took her at the age of 56. He gives and He takes away. In an instant life changed for us. She left us, but you know what? He never did. And you can quote me on that!
It was a very messy job, though. It stunk and it was hard work. It took a long time. Longer than I ever imagined. The pain was deep and wide. I went to counseling for a year. There were times that I literally felt like someone had taken a knife and cut my chest open and shredded my heart into a trillion pieces. Literally. As time went by, God used very special people in my life to listen and speak truth into my heart. I could have never survived those years without my hubs and children and too many friends to list.
I finally came to terms with the fact that our Father knows best. He really does. And we don’t even know how or why. God doesn’t owe us anything. Not even an explanation. My momma went home to be with our Lord long before I would have ever written it into the story. LONG before. I’m guessing that other people needed to see me hurt and heal. That’s why I was stuck in that fish bowl. With eyes on my every move. May He be glorified is the new prayer of my heart. Even when I can’t understand how or why.
We are currently in a state of what we affectionally call “risking the ocean” which I’ll go into more detail at another time. But, for those of you who have asked… here’s my blog… here I go again… living in a fish bowl. But, I pray that this fish bowl will be used to help you see more clearly into our lives and hopefully point you to seeing His true character. God is Sovereign. He is love. He is faithful. He is just. He loves you and even me.
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