How Long Must I Sing This Song?

Today is "Day 64"... sixty four days ago we hit a brick wall. (Thankfully, it was not a literal brick wall.) It certainly stopped us dead in our tracks. We were so very excited to be re-united with Brynna and be on US soil and serving in a church - a new Faith Family, but things quickly and abruptly came to a complete stop. We hadn't even been in Texas for a week! ALL of the days of September 2015 in our NEW little world were deep, dark, desperate days and the Lord had a bunch to teach us in those shadows. There were many, many moments when one, two or all three of us "felt like" giving up... on life. Thankfully we are not a family who lives on feelings. We live on the Truth. Jesus, only Jesus.  I'll spare you every single detail, but try to give you enough of the picture to understand where we've been and why we've been so quiet.

On August 3rd we returned to the states. On August 8th our son, Josiah was married. On August 12th we began our two day journey in a UHaul and our old grey truck to our new home in Texas to serve with The Harbor (formerly known as Friendswood Community Church). We were unable to secure housing of our own and made a "deal" with a Haiti team member from our new church to live with her for a few months. Her name is Myra and she's honestly the BEST of everything. She opened up her brand new, gorgeous home and is allowing us to occupy the entire second floor. She gave us over half the pantry to put our food and cleaned out the entire fridge so that we can put our perishables in it. (She uses a fridge in the garage.) We can never, ever explain how grateful we are or how welcomed we have felt by her to this new life. She is an amazing person who passionately serves others who are struggling in the world. 

When we arrived in Texas we were generously given a week of vacation and a week at the beach house of another Harbor Haiti team member and his family. Our pastor(s) wanted us to be fully rested before we jumped in to this new ministry and boy were we happy to take a week for ourselves and to re-adjust to life in the US. In the middle of the week and the middle of the night something huge changed us forever.

What we call "Day One" happened smack dab in the middle of the vacation week at the beach. On August 19, 2015 - Chris woke up in intense, agonizing pain. This pain was unbearable. It kept him from sleeping, eating, or really doing anything much other than trying to cope. Brynna and I felt completely helpless. We just didn't know what to do or think. He had been sick back in March in Haiti and then we returned in April and he had test after test where the specialist concluded he had active H-Pylori bacteria in his digestive track. When we returned to Haiti in May he was taking many prescriptions. Two of which were anti-biotics to help flush out the bad bacteria in his body. They were Cipro and Flagyl.

That August night at the beach we didn't know what to think. He had pretty much gotten back to "normal" as the summer progressed in Haiti. But that night the sharp, intense pain sent our minds racing. He went to the ER, Urgent Care and eventually a specialist. (Not all in one night.) The doctors did their "thing" but still half of the pain remained after two weeks. And it was never ending. And I mean never. Ending. Ever. He was prescribed many pain relievers that did nothing but knock him out or loopy so that he wasn't completely "with it". He took perkiset, valium, oxy-this and oxy-that, flexerill and on and on and on. He was in pain 24 hours a day for just over two weeks. The specialist also prescribed Cipro and Flagyl because he believed there may be an abscess that needed some help.

On August 30 Chris very suddenly felt a very deep and intense depression. We called the specialist who had prescribed the meds medly and he said to stop taking all the meds and come into the office the next day first thing. We were all confused. How could this even be? Chris doesn't feel depression. He feels lots of compassion and lots of empathy, but never depression. 
The specialist ordered a CT scan to explore other reasons for the pain. As we waited for the results for two very long, dreadful days the depression worsened and even began this swinging of the pendulum where he experienced completely opposite feelings of anxiety. Full on fear. He found himself wrapped up in intense adrenaline and fear even though he had absolutely nothing to be afraid of. Then we began to watch as the cycle began to wind itself up. It swung back and forth between the two extremes until he finally landed in anxiety land.  
On September 2 when we finally went to the ER, they admitted him and kept him for three very long days. Days which he doesn't even remember. Brynna and I do. Vividly. Our rock was crushed and we didn't know what to do without him being strong. Those days were full of texts to our kids and their spouses full of information without answers.

We didn't understand how our solid rock could be experiencing these extremes. On the second day in the hospital the intense physical pain disappeared as quickly as it had come into our lives. And we were left with no answer as to what had caused it and even harder to take - the shear anxiety twenty hours a day. Brynna and I never left his side. At some point we took turns so we could clear our own minds and hearts. The doctors assumed that a trio of meds they had prescribed must have taken care of the pain/abscess and we should continue taking all three to the end of the script. Two of the three were Cipro and Flagyl. We were thankful for these drugs at this point and I very loudly blamed the depression/anxiety on the previous strong pain meds.

We were in a new state with a new church family and we just didn't know who we could completely trust with this kind of information. There were only a few people who really knew the REAL Chris Ward in Texas and we didn't want any new people to ever know the man we were now seeing. In fact, I told him that I totally believed an alien had taken over his body. He was not there. We could not find him anywhere. My phone was a great source of encouragement as it brought loving and prayerful texts from our kids - Rachael & Quinton and Josiah & Katie, our dearest friends from Haiti - Mark & Melanie Dearing, from Kevin & Leah Pate, Greg & Tammy Young, Rick & Linda Bowden, our new pastor Rick & Marie Baldwin, Krystal Bailey, Mike & Heather DiEnno, Michele Sherwin, Steve & Jane Shelby, and Ginger & Dr. Bob Boone. We could never have made it through those deepest, darkest days without them approaching the Throne of Grace on our behalf.

The easiest way for me to describe it to Rachael once night was, "it's like I imagine PTSD." Intense, fierce, gripping fear coupled with adrenaline on overdrive 20 hours a day. I couldn't see how he was going to be able to get past this. We were now up to Labor Day. Take a break if you need to. It's half time. Go get a cup of coffee. Join us below this break.


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"I waited patiently for the Lord. He inclined and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit, out of the mire and clay. He set my feet upon a rock and made my footsteps firm.
Many will see
Many will see and fear.
 I will sing, sing a new song, I will sing, sing a new song
How long to sing this song, how long to sing this song
How long, how long, how long, how long, to sing this song?" 40 by U2


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After we had returned from the hospital stay we were just counting the hours till the meds were flushed out of his system and he would "come back" to us. I knew it had to be the pain meds and boy was I angry with the pills and everyone who made them and put them into our hands. But, the hours and the days dragged on and there was no sign of the man we knew. At one point he uttered the words, "I must be having a nervous breakdown," to which we replied, "absolutely not!" He's as healthy and steady as they come. There was one friend who constantly reminded me that this all began with a physical pain and that it was unlikely "just a nervous breakdown" (thank you Leah for reminding us of that). It was real as real gets, but it's origin had to be something more than a nervous system shutdown. But, we literally were just getting by. A couple weeks went by and we still couldn't get him to eat much. He wasn't eating or sleeping. We called him our "newborn" because we felt like we had to train him to eat and sleep all over again. The adrenaline/fear/anxiety that was so constant allowed him absolutely no room for rest. The Chris we knew and loved could fall asleep at 5 pm before dinner sitting in an uncomfortable chair. He was flexible. He was chill. But, this new Chris who had come home from the hospital could not sleep. Or rest. Or relax. Or focus. His mind was a racing machine. We started recognizing the cycle that he was on and it just wouldn't stop. 

On Labor Day Eve we got a phone call from Dr. Bob Boone who is a member of the board at our new church and an Orthopedist. He had heard that Chris was still not able to get out of the house... let alone our bedroom. And he just wanted to check in and see how he could help. So, I told him the story of how Chris wouldn't/couldn't eat or rest/relax and how an alien had taken over his body. Dr. Bob said that he had a cousin who was a missionary to Africa for 20 years and is now practicing medicine here in the area. His cousin offered to see Chris in his home at 8 am on Labor Day. Would Chris be willing to get out and talk with him? Absolutely! Dr. Paul Boone spent well over an hour with us looking over the two pages of notes I had written about meds and doses and symptoms. (Most of which I left out of this blog because I'm just trying to tell the broad story here... and ain't nobody got time for all that!) He looked up a thing or two in a couple different books and even online. He asked lots of questions and we went way back to March when Chris had first gotten sick in Haiti. He had two suggestions and we clung tightly to his advice. He suggested we double one of the meds Chris was taking for anxiety. The other very important suggestion was to cease taking Cipro. He brought up that an infection had not been proven with blood work and his colleague had had a year off of work because of what Cipro had done to her muscles. It had left her in a bad place unable to function and work. We agreed and stopped taking that med. So, we left his home with hope that things could change with the changes we were making. We will forever be grateful for this man of God who took us in on a holiday into his home and poured over the details of what we were facing and prayerfully offered advice. Forever.

We set up an appointment to see him the next Monday in his office. We tweaked a med or two and left his office grateful and hopeful. We were on to something. Chris was eating a little bit. Myra had bought this fresh squeezed orange juice that was superb and Brynna or I would bring it to him first thing every morning and tell him it was his "sunshine" and he had to drink it. Myra taught us how to make healthy smoothies in the awesome blender she has and we started squeezing that into his diet each day at least once and sometimes at that point - twice. That was really all he could/would eat. Myra also made some homemade vegetable soup and he enjoyed that. He could only handle a half a bowl at a time and we cheered the day he ate an entire bowl! Those were big victories back then. It was a deep, dark, desperate chapter in our lives. We longed for him to return to normal. 

Very, very slowly we saw tiny bits of progress. It had been over a month and he was still unable to get out of the house and be in a state of any productivity. He is a perfectionist and it was so very frustrating for him. He wanted to be back at work jumping in to this new chapter of our lives. But, he was stuck and we had no idea why. We were able to get in to see a Christian Counselor and he helped give some strategies for overcoming the unreal fears and major anxiety he was feeling. Nothing made much sense. We watched the cycles and realized he was having a couple hours of "good" in the evenings. So, we started playing with how we may adjust the meds to make the "good" hours happen in the mornings. He got to the point where he felt decent right before bedtime and didn't want to go to sleep because then it would start the crazy cycle all over again. And when you wake up with full on fear for no reason, it's not a feeling you look forward to... none of us did, but he fiercely avoided it.

There were times when we just watched and wished for the answer to come. An explanation would be nice. We were told it was just the "perfect storm" that we had found ourselves in. Brynna said she'd give anything just to know what he was feeling for just 5 minutes. And she truly meant it. It was just excruciating to watch him go through these cycles. These extremes.  We read scripture out loud over him praying answers would come. 

We had a big conference to attend September 22-26 and we didn't know if we were going to be able to benefit from making the trip. Our counselor encouraged Chris to push through and give himself the freedom to miss sessions, but go and take in whatever he could. So, that's what Chris decided. So, we packed. We prayed. We cried. Wondering all the while if he would be able to walk onto an airplane without fear paralyzing him. The morning of September 22 is when the brick wall that we had hit on August 19 started to crumble before us. When I woke up I noticed I had a text from our son-in-law in Louisville. He told me that he had told his mom, Kim Bruce, what Chris had been going through and she had told him that a co-worker of hers, Lori Ciresi Winstel, had gone through a very similar illness. He cut and pasted a paragraph or two from Lori's experience and it sounded almost identical to Chris' journey thus far. What?!? An answer?!!! So, he gave us her phone number and we immediately called her and put her on speaker phone. She explained what she has been going through and what she had learned about it. It has a name. It's a beast and the name we learned on this day was "Fluoroquinolone Toxicity Syndrome". Basically, some people are pre-disposed to be "poisoned" by "floxie" or "quin" anti-biotics. You guessed it, Cipro and Flagyl. These anti-biotics have a "black box warning" on them, but we don't hear or know about these warnings... we just get them prescribed to us constantly. I won't get all mad and go batty now, but basically his illness in March gave reason to flush out all the bacteria in his body. The anti-biotics he took- took it even a step farther - they retrained his cells to produce bad bacteria instead of good. His very DNA was altered by meds. They call it being "floxed". Check out FloxieHope.

She suggested that there is an e-book that many people had purchased and it was their saving grace. She also suggested getting on a probiotic, adding magnesium supplements and adding a pure multi-vitamin. So, within 30 minutes we had bought the book, read the first few chapters, but we had a plane to catch to Nashville, so I ran out to the Nature's Garden Market to buy those expensive, but totally worth every dollar, organic pills. And he started taking them immediately. Before we even left the house. He was able to see a difference even within those first 24 hours. A positive difference. At the conference he stayed in the hotel room until he'd gotten down enough breakfast to swallow the slew of pills and worked through the anxiety enough to face the world... usually before lunch he was able to join us. And that week he had longer cycles of "good" times. He was able to enjoy dinners out with us and even go to many breakout sessions and main sessions. We were SO thrilled to see the improvements he made just that week alone. It was amazing. We have Quinton, Kim and Lori to thank for this big turn of events. And the Lord. Because He was gracious to us at every turn. One thing we were able to see and recognize every single day of this journey were His mercies. Every single morning they were new and tender. What grace He bestowed on us and the story that is told through this. Chris could have had problems with his muscles or even more serious issues, but the Lord in all His goodness spared us many more days or months or years of pain(s).

After we returned from that week away we were blessed beyond measure to be able to acquire a spot as a patient of Dr. John Johnston. He is a "total health" doctor. We saw him on September 28 and told him that we believed that Chris may be suffering from Fluoroquinolone Toxicity Syndrome and he didn't even blink. He absolutely knew about it and listened to everything we had to say.

Unfortunately, he said he could not tell us for sure what the outcome will be. Whether or not Chris would suffer for months, years or if there'd be permanent damage, but he would help us find the best answer he knew how. He offered us some more strategies for finding healing from this awful beast. He gave us a much, much stronger pro-biotic that Chris was only allowed to take for 15 days. He gave us a much, much stronger vitamin. He along with our Christian Counselor encouraged Chris to take back up running. Apparently, the gut and the brain are very well connected and the more exercise you can get in - the healthier it will all be.

This month of October has been full of days that are better and better and better. Chris isn't back to his 100% self yet, but he's WELL on his way. He's working full-time again and we are headed to a Marriage Retreat that our Church is hosting beginning today. We covet your prayers as we have begun training and studying for this new ministry we are absolutely in love with. We were able to celebrate last weekend at the annual banquet in Dallas and looking forward to launching LIFT (formerly known as Living Hope Houston) in Friendswood sometime after the new year starts.

In some of the darkest times, Chris would take baths with lavender or epsom salts to try to find calm and he would recite Psalm 40. And he would frequently thank us for not giving up on him. How could we? We knew there was something really real and dark going on. I asked him one of those times, "Exactly when did you memorize this scripture because I don't remember in our 25 years together really "knowing" this verse?" He gave me half a smile and said, "it's a U2 song." And I laughed out loud. Thank you U2 for your song straight from scripture that was one part of his healing, that was able to help him to cling to the hope that he would indeed set his feet upon a rock and make his footsteps firm once again. It's also where we got the title for this blog, "how long to sing this song?" How long? It's a question we ask sometimes, but we wait with full confidence that the Lord is going to use this and everything we learned from it for His glory.

The song that seemed to be on the radio every single time we were on our way to the many doctors visits is "Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns. It really captured what we felt and walked through so incredibly vividly. And in the storm is where we found Him. "In the arms of a God who won't let go. When you're on your knees and the answers seem so far away, you're not alone, stop holding on and just be held." Have you heard it? 

"Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere and barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting, chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender, lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away.
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held.
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place.
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held.
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm, you'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross, you'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted. In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes. Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes. In the storm is where you'll find Me.
And where you are, I'll hold your heart. I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest in the arms of the God who wont let go."

Being held,

~ Chris & Jen and Brynna Kate