Confession: the past few days there's been a really dark cloud above me that I can't seem to shake. A sudden sadness seems to have taken a front row seat in my car, my bedroom, the office, my home! Tears are held at bay by my shear stubborness as I walk through my day, but every once in a while I can't contain them. They trickle out. Logically there's no reason for me to have a sudden sadness. We have a newborn in the house! New life. A miracle was witness just 2 weeks ago. Christmas just came and went. I should be happy and thrilled with life. I am logically, but emotionally, no matter how hard I try I can't seem to reconcile my heart and head.
So, I've tried to take a step back and examine what it is I need to do with this dark cloud that I can't win against. It is my enemy because it tries to control me, but I'm thinking I just need to agree to make it my friend. I must submit to it. Call it was it is. Look it square in the face instead of trying to pretend it's not there.
I can hardly believe it's almost been 15 years since my mom left this earth (January 9). In an instant she was absent from her body and present with the Lord. It's just that hour before this happened that haunts me sometimes as they tried desperately to revive her. If the doctor would have just listened to her symptoms in the days prior, her death may have been avoided. Am I still mad with that doctor? I already took that up with the Lord. We battled hard in the early days of 2003 and He won. He is Sovereign. He gives and takes away and I had no control over that.
Some of the pain is the fact that my dad married and has a wonderful, new family whom he adores and serves tirelessly. I'm grateful that he has a spring in his step, purpose in his life and is helping to mold and change the lives of two precious children he and his wife adopted as well as my step-mom's daughters. We moved far apart (Nashville, Haiti, Texas). So, our lives just were never the same. And that's just part of life. Not entirely His fault, my dad's fault or my fault. Just life.
In addition, my baby brother and his family live in Delaware and I miss them dearly. We weren't in a place where we could let the kids grow up together. We were separated by many miles.
Because of this distance, I never hear anyone say her name, share memories of her and it reminds me of how easily a life can vanish and be forgotten. I wonder if anyone will remember me when I'm gone if they don't remember her. She held nothing back - was loud and proud of her kids and grandkids. She served others in so many different ways.
Now, that I have grandchildren, I got to choose what to be "called". I think I chose "Nana" so that I could hear her "name" and be reminded often of her.
So, even now in this very moment the dark cloud is a little lighter. It isn't pressing down on me so hard. Just saying some things "out loud," revealing the ugly, the real, the raw... it helps somehow.
Maybe that's why we are reminded in 1 Peter to "cast all your cares on God, He cares for you." And also we are gently instructed to "bear burdens" together. We need Him. We need each other. I'm determined more than ever to not let this dark cloud continue to take all my energy to fight against, but just to embrace and go with it. Knowing that it is not going to actually cause my heart to burst... I can open the door to more healing. I can maybe become friends with my grief.
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