And the Tears Continue to Fall Loud

I just can't believe that I posted a blog title, "And the Tears Began to Fall" just a few hours before going to bed and waking up in the middle of a nightmare. 

We awoke at 2:11 AM on Saturday morning to a phone call from Joel (El-farrah). I knew his voice instantly. Chris was rubbing his eyes and sitting up in bed to try to wake up and hear what he was trying to say. I'll never forget the words I heard, "Chris, man, did you hear what's going on?" And the very first thing that came to my mind (in black and white slow motion) was a picture of bombs dropping on the US. Chris shook his head and managed to utter the words, "no, what?" as Joel continued, "they're taking Nabeel to the hospital. He's unresponsive. I just thought you should know man. I'm sorry for calling. Rick's there, the ambulance is there." Chris managed to come up with the words, "Ok, ok, ok man. We're praying. We're praying. Call us when you know more." We made our way to the couch and prayed and waited and prayed and waited.  And wondered. And tried to wake ourselves up from this nightmare. We just couldn't wrap our minds around this at all. It didn't make sense. The doctors could do so much to revive people nowadays. That had to be the answer. I just kept arguing with God in my mind. Sophia is just a baby! Rachel doesn't have a grey hair on her head! This just doesn't make sense. I'm just sure that they'll be able to help his heart to beat again.

I iMessaged Rick and Linda since I knew they were right there in the midst of it all from Joel's call. No response. I iMessaged Joel. No response. I looked on my "find my friends" app and saw Rachael was at the hospital. Oh, good. I was so glad that she was able to be there with the family during this time. I iMessaged her. No response. Joel called, "they were unsuccessful in reviving him man, he's gone." In the middle of the night, my brain just couldn't comprehend this news. You start asking stupid questions, hoping that you'll get different answers than you're mind thinks it's hearing. "Unsuccessful"? What's that mean exactly. Unsuccessful? Doctors today can do more with getting a heart to beat again than ever before! Rick texted, "he didn't make it." Rachael texted, "he's gone." None of this could our human brains even begin to digest. The only thing that made sense was that he was absent from the body and present with Christ. We couldn't figure out how or why. We could only hold on to that hope. The things of earth no longer mattered to him. He was in the presence of Jesus, the King of kings and The Lord of lords. We could but only imagine, but he could see everything with his own eyes now.

I woke Brynna up and brought her into the living room. We gave her the bad news as we were still trying to catch our breath. We all just sat on the couch in the dark in disbelief. Wishing someone would wake us up and rescue us from this. 

We got a Whats App message from Josiah at 4:11 AM, "I love you dad," Hope you're doing okay. I can't sleep. Q called."

Chris: "I can't sleep either."

Josiah: "Yeah, missing you all."

Chris: "Missing you, too... want to sit and talk and cry together."

Josiah:"Me too dad"

Chris: "We can skype if you want"

So, through the miracles of technology we were able to spend some "FaceTime" with our son as the sun began to rise on the day. The three of us in Haiti bundled up on the couch shivering with disbelief and Josiah huddled down in his basement in Louisville talking in hushed tones as to not wake Aunt Sandra.

We laughed and cried and shared stories of years full of memories. Loud memories. Because Nabeel lived his life OUT LOUD. There was nothing subtle about the guy. But, he was super sensitive. I couldn't be as real as I wanted to be most times with him because he took everything straight to his heart and thought hard about it. Words meant a whole lot to him. And I am careless with my words sometimes. So, we didn't make the best in communicating. But, he and Chris could communicate without even using words. I can't even begin to count the hours that they spent together. I hope that maybe I can get Chris to write out a blog telling of his relationship with Nabeel soon. 

It's still just not real. Even though we stood at the funeral home for almost 8 hours crying and laughing and remembering loud times with Nabeel with TONS of people. We went to sleep, woke up and attended his funeral. We walked away from the casket with all his family and friends one last time and it still hasn't sunk in. We are so very thankful that we were able to fly home to be with our Ormsby faith family during these few days. Thankful for the freedom from BGM - a door to hope to take some time off. Thankful for the staff and faith family who welcomed us back with open arms. Thankful we were able to hold precious baby Sophia in our arms and laugh through tears as she would smile and Nabeel would SHINE through her. Thankful to be able to hold Rachel tight and whisper our love and support to her. God! It's just not fair! Nabeel was only 31.

My initial thought was, "well, of all the days of the year, I think Nabeel would have liked this one...the one chosen for him to to enter Glory: October 4th... may the fourth be with you!" I could hear him laughing in my head. I kept trying to picture him and all the crazy stories he would say, but  the ONLY other words I could recall Nabeel saying (and picture in my head clearly) with every ounce of his being, with both hands clenched and in the air in surrender were, "I would give my life for that! I would. I would give my life for my dad to know Jesus personally. I would give my life for that." As much as I've tried over the last few days to recall instances of times with him, that just keeps echoing in my mind. So, that's what I started praying. "Lord, draw Mahammad unto Yourself. Knock at his hearts door. Keep knocking. Knock loud! Invite him in to a personal relationship with You. Soften his heart for You Lord. And not to justify Nabeel's death, but to bring glory to You. For You alone are worthy."

Leaving Brynna in Nashville for a few extra days, Chris and I are sitting beside each other on a plane heading back to Haiti still in shock. Chris is finally catching a few winks of sleep as they have passed out our refreshments. We are exhausted. We are headed back to Haiti to work with the people that Nabeel loved so dearly. He was planning a trip with his school this spring break. We noticed that one student wrote on FaceBook that they intend to follow through and go on that trip. I pray that they do. We'll do all that we can to show them the Haiti that he adored and to continue to grieve with them remembering all the great times with Nabeel. And I hope to be able to share more later. Just kinda wanted to update everyone on our silence... 

Please pray for Rachel, Nabeel's bride, the love of his life, the answer to all of our prayers. Widowed entirely too young.

Pray for Sophia, his 5 month old daughter. Their little miracle. You can't look into her eyes and catch her smile without catching a glimpse of him. We're pretty sure she's destined to live out loud, too!

Pray for his parents, Joy and Mahammad. And his brothers, Joel and Micah and sister, Mahannah. Pray for Joel's kids Nathan, Abbigail and Lydia. 

Pray for Ormsby Heights Baptist Church's Pastor Rick and Linda and the entire staff. Pray for the Contemporary Worship Ministry, the Praise Team and the Student Ministry which he worked very closely with. 

Pray for Beth Haven Christian School where he taught. He loved his students immensely.

Pray for our family. Separated by an ocean. It's hard. 

Pray for Haiti - for hope and healing.